


America Has a Nice Hat

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AmCan, America's POV, Crack, M/M, Smut, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 12:43:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America runs his mouth and needs some sweet, sweet Canadian health care. Cracky smut told from America's totally awesome POV, fellow heroes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	America Has a Nice Hat

**Author's Note:**

> 1- This is rated M for a reason. Actually, quite a few reasons.
> 
> 2- Don't read if you're picky about who is the seme / uke.
> 
> 3- There is a shota-ish scene (Just one part. They are adults in the majority of the fic.)
> 
> 4- I'm well aware there aren't things like cell phones in the 1940's, but if Hidekaz can take the same kind of liberties in canon, I say it's fair game in fan fiction.
> 
> 5- This is in America's POV.
> 
> You've been warned, so no bitching.

Canada is my hat.

That's pretty much all I've ever thought of him as. He doesn't do much else. He doesn't stand out for anything. He's just my hat.

Which is why I thought it was totally weird when someone at one of our regular Allied meetings asked why Canada never came. Because technically, he was part of the Allied Forces. I mean, I didn't just learn that during the meeting. I totally already knew that. I just said that so everyone else would know. Because it really wasn't very obvious!

I don't even know who asked it. I was too busy using my new awesome cell phone to tweet about how totally boring the meeting was. 140 characters never let me tell so many ethnic jokes, ha ha!

"Clearly Canada isn't here because he's already represented," said boring old England.

Hmmm. I nodded in agreement. He's like here in spirit, dude. Because he's my hat!

"I still have reign over him, so I act as his voice in his absence."

What! Had England gone crazy! He was all the way across the world. He doesn't do hardly anything for Canada. He's MY hat!

And what was this crap about Canada still being ruled by England? I got my independence like two hundred years ago! It's the 1940's. Come on, dude. Get with the program.

"Ha ha! You wish you represented Canada!" I jumped from my seat so that everyone had to look at me. Because I'm awesome. "But sorry, England! He's my hat!"

That wasn't a joke. I was being totally serious. Like seriously. But for some crazy reason, everyone in the room started laughing at me!

"Shut up, you guys! I'm being super serious! He's totally my hat!"

"Ha," said France, being all snooty and French. "More like your asshat."

Then everyone laughed even harder! I don't even know if I got the joke. I mean, I totally didn't find it funny.

"By ze way." That was stupid France talking. "I didn't mean that as an insult to Canada. I only meant to imply something about you."

"You better break it down and explain it some more, aru," said China, being all smug and Chinese. "He's not exactly very good at understand things like implications, aru."

Even Russia was getting in on this. That commie bastard. "Oh, because he's stupid, da?"

Those guys were totally pissing me off. I didn't have to take that kind of lip from crap countries. I'm America! Greatest country on the planet. "Screw you guys! I'm going home!"

And so I did.

Now fellow heroes, I don't need to explain what happened to me on the way home. It is a long story. Not boring, but I just don't want to think about it again. You just need to know that it ended with me getting a dislocated shoulder, a black eye, and drenched in blood. Most of it my own. Maybe I called everyone I saw in Germany a Nazi. Maybe I punched a mime while in France. Or maybe I said the short shorts soccer players wear makes them look gay while in England. Maybe it was all these things. I don't know! I suffered a lot of head trauma. All that matters is that I made it back alive from Europe, and waiting across the pond is Canada and his glorious free health care. I just have to show up on his doorstep and he will treat me for free! What a sucker.

I collapsed in the doorway of his hospital. "Canadaaaaaaaa … it's meeeeee …"

I heard his footsteps. At least I assumed they were his. I had a concussion too and things were totally blurry.

"Eh!" he said, sounding all surprised and Canadian. "America, look at you! You look like you're half dead!"

I lifted my head. It totally hurt like a bitch. "Hey, bro … I came for some more of your awesome free health care. I can't afford it at my house. But you'll totally treat me, right?"

"Er, well, this has really become a problem for me. You show up all the time needing medical attention."

"Aw, come on, dude. Don't leave me hanging."

That was as long as I could hold my head up. It just hurt so freakin' bad. I let it flop to the floor with the rest of my body. It felt kinda nice. So nice that I just had the sudden urge to go to sleep. Yeah, sleep. It seemed so welcoming …

"America!" Canada was nudging me, I think. "Are you all right? Don't pass out on me!"

He said some other stuff, but I couldn't understand it. I was too busy totally enjoying the sleep. Nice, warm, blood loss caused sleep.

X

When I woke up, I totally felt so much better. Like a million times better! Like I never did all those things crazy things and got the shit beat out of me by multiple countries. Uh, not that that happened. Because no one defeats America, ha ha!

I was in a hospital bed. Canada was at my side, changing a bandage or something, I don't know.

"Oh, good, you're awake," he said. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Totally, dude! I feel awesome!"

He finished what he was doing and smiled. "You'll feel even more awesome when you're actually done healing."

"What are you talking about, bro? I feel great!"

He wasn't smiling anymore. "You were really hurt, America. Did you see your body? It was like something out of a horror movie."

"What, like Saw 6? Did you see that, dude? Totally awesome. It was in 3D and everything."

I don't know why Canada gets so emotional. If I didn't know better I'd say he was fighting back tears. But that can't be since he's a dude and dudes don't cry, duh. "Don't change the subject!" he said, looking kinda annoyed. "When I took your clothes off and saw the damage, I was appalled!"

"Come on, dude. Don't make it sound weird."

"You've been coming here a lot lately. Every time it's the same thing. You come in bruised and battered, and I have to heal you."

"I know. You're awesome, dude. Major kudos."

He was staring at me. Now I'm used to people staring me. I'm America, after all! I'm the spotlight everywhere! But he wasn't looking at me like that. He was staring and looking sad.

"I'm really worried about you."

How could anyone worry about me? America! Strongest, greatest, most best country in the world! Canada is just silly. He's too emotional. He needs to grow a pair. Maybe all that cold weather shrunk his, I don't know.

Then I noticed he wasn't staring at me anymore. He was looking at the floor. But still looked totally sad. "What did you do this time?"

"Ah, you know. This and that. Don't worry about it, dude."

"Did you go to Cuba to tell him that his embargo is like the real life equivalent of being blocked on Facebook, like you did last month?"

Hehe, I remember that. Totally worth the knife to the gut.

But Canada didn't think it was funny. "Or did you go back to China to stretch out his people's eyes like two weeks ago?"

Ha ha! How could I forget that crazy weekend? It needed to be done. They totally need to open their eyes all the way! Shame I got a wok beating from it.

"Or did you go back to Switzerland to shout 'Ricolaaaaa' from the Alps while he's doing target practice?"

Oh, dude. That was so funny! You should have seen it. Switzerland was so pissed! I ended up getting shot in the leg for that one.

"That was a good one," I said. "Next week I'm going to Sweden to practice my Swedish. Bork bork bork! That means spaghetti or something."

"No! Do you think this is funny?" Canada looked kinda pissed. Guess he just didn't appreciate my awesome humor.

"It's totally funny! It's a Sesame Street joke. You know, like the Swedish Chef?"

"You don't get it, do you? I'm seriously worried about your safety." He sighed, still looking so sad. "You need to learn to watch your mouth."

"Hey! What are you saying?"

"That you have a big mouth, and it's gonna get you killed if you don't get it under control!"

"I'm America. Nothing can kill me!"

"Then do it for me, eh?"

What the heck? Canada was being so pissy and emotional. I thought I had a bro, not a sis. Totally not cool.

"I- I mean you're draining my resources," he said. "I can't keep treating you all the time."

Ah, so that was it. I couldn't afford my own treatment either. Not with those insurance premiums! Why did I ever start that stupid system?

"Ha ha!" I laughed. "For a second I thought you were getting all mushy on me."

"Hmmm. Just promise me you'll be more careful, OK?"

"Ha! Nope!" Silly Canada. I do what I want!

"It's for your own sake!"

I leaned forward and stared at Canada with a weird look in my eyes. "I know you're kidding! Or else I'll have to declare war on you!"

"Oh, shut up."

"I'll do it! I'm crazy like that!"

He smiled and stood up. "I think you need some more rest." Then he turned to leave even though I was clearly still talking. So rude!

"Aw, come on. I was just kidding, dude!"

He was by the doorway then. "I know. But you still need to sleep some. You need to heal up."

"Hmmmph," I pouted. "I feel fine."

"Goodnight, America."

Oh, silly Canada. It wasn't even 5:00 yet. That's hardly night. Yet I fell asleep as soon as he left. Weird.

But totally not as weird as the dream I had after I fell asleep. I'll tell it, but don't think of me as weird for having it. It's the dream that's weird, not me. I don't have control of my dreams, you know!

So I was in that same hospital bed, right? Just chilling, I guess. Then Canada comes in, being his regular Canadian self. Until he climbed up on me while I was still in the bed. Totally weird, right? I mean, I was shocked. But not in the dream. For some reason I didn't think it was weird at all then. But anyway. He got on top of me and did the weirdest thing of all! He sat on my face. Not hard though. It didn't hurt, but maybe that was just because it was a dream. Anyway, he pushed his ass right in my face. Well, like part of him was on my head and part was on my face. You get what I'm saying, right? He's like straddling my head or whatever.

It was also totally weird that I felt like I could really feel his ass cheeks. They were all soft and crap. Like a pillow. Yeah, it was like his ass was like a pillow pressed up against my face. He was rubbing it against me and stuff, too. Felt kinda nice. I mean, because it was soft. That's all. I'm not making this any weirder than it already is!

You're probably wondering what happened next. Well, unfortunately I woke up. I mean, unfortunate for you since you don't get to know what happens next. Not unfortunate for me. Totally.

Canada (the real one, guys, not the dream one) woke up me because I heard him messing with a food tray. He was setting it by the bed for me or something. I was face first in my pillow when I woke up. No wonder I had that dream! I could just feel the pillow through it. That's all that was. Nothing else, of course. Trust me, dude.

I raised my head and there was some drool coming out of my mouth. A lot was on the pillow. I wiped my mouth off and Canada noticed me.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Nah, it's cool, dude. I don't wanna sleep all day anyway."

"You were twitching a lot when you were asleep," he said. "And making some strange noises. Were you having a nightmare or something?"

Silly Canada! Heroes don't have nightmares! Well, except the times we do. "Of course not, bro. What, do you think I'm a wuss or something?"

"Er, no. It just looked weird to me."

I sat up and stretched a little. I felt so good! I know I said that before but that time I really meant it. Canadian health care is the best! Wait, crap. That means American health care isn't the best. Umm.

"It wasn't a nightmare! I'll tell you what it was!"

Canada suddenly got all weird then. He looked almost scared, nervous I guess, and a little pink in the face. "N-n-no, that's OK! I believe you!"

"Dude, what's wrong with you?" Canada is so weird. Why didn't he want to hear about my dream? It's totally rude to say he doesn't want to hear it. I thought Canadians were known for their politeness. Yeah, right. He totally wasn't acting like it. "You were in it, dude," I said. "I was right in this bed and you came over and put your ass right on my face. And rubbed it."

Dude. You should have seen his face. Because, dude. He looked so weird. He didn't even say anything. He just looked at me. With that totally weird look.

"What!" I finally yelled because I was getting totally impatient.

He looked down. But not at the floor. At me. Well, part of me.

Now before I continue, boy and girls, I feel I must clear my good name. Sometimes things happen that are totally beyond our control. This even happens to heroes. I'm not happy about it either, but it is not my fault. I mean, I wasn't even aware of it.

And by it, I mean the tent I was clearly pitching.

No wonder he got totally weirded out when I sat up. But remember, I had no control, of course! You all need to believe me. I mean seriously, guys.

"Ha ha!" I laughed, but it didn't sound as confident as it normally did. "Th- that's just a little morning wood. No big, deal, dude. Happens to every guy, you know?"

You wouldn't believe it, but Canada still didn't answer me. He just looked at the clock instead. 6:21. Which I didn't think was weird at all until I realized it was PM.

Can you guys believe I was only asleep for a little while? Because I was shocked! I thought it was the next morning! I think Canada actually thought that because of this it meant that it wasn't morning wood. Since, you know, it wasn't morning. I think he actually believed it was from my dream! Can you believe that? Canada is so silly! Oh, what a simple country. I almost envy his naiveté!

I think it goes without saying that since Canada thought that, it was so totally weird in the room. He just looked at me, with his eyes all big, and didn't say anything. His mouth was open but nothing came out. He just stared.

"You got raccoon eyes."

That's what I told him. Was it there before? I don't think so. I totally would have noticed. It must have happened while I was asleep. Boy, Canada sure is busy! I hadn't even been asleep that long and somehow he went and got himself two black eyes.

"Oh, uh - you noticed," he said, all nervous. "It's not a big deal."

"Screw that! Who gave you two black eyes? I'll freakin' destroy them!"

"N-no, please don't. It's OK - really!"

I knew Canada was kinda a pussy, but the heck! How could he let someone do that to him and not stand up for himself? No wonder he's not independent from England! It would require some actual balls.

"Who did this to you?" I demanded to know. "Tell me! I'll kick his ass!"

"I just said let it go!"

"No, dude. I have to know. You're my hat, and nobody hurts my hat!"

Canada's expression changed when I said that. But not in a good way. "What? I'm not your hat! What are you talking about?"

"You are my hat! There's no other way to explain it!" What was so hard to understand about that? He's my hat. That's it. End of story. But not this one. Sorry if I confused you. I'll continue it now. "Now tell me who hit you or I'll just have to declare war on every country until someone fesses up!"

"It was Cuba, OK! Gosh!" He looked pissed, guys. But you probably figured that out. "You're so pushy!"

"That cigar-smoking beaner! I'll embargo him so hard his mom will feel it!" I thought that was a totally awesome idea. Until I realized I already did that. "Wait, no. MISSILES! Yeah, tons of them! That godless country won't know what hit it! But I will. It'll be missiles, ha ha!"

"No, America! I don't want that at all!" whined Canada. "Cuba is my friend!"

"Hmmph! Some friend!"

"You don't understand." Canada looked away for some reason. "He only did it because he thought I was you." I didn't like the way Canada looked then. It was so sad. Totally depressing, dude. A real downer. And then he kept talking. "This actually happens a lot," he said. "And not just with Cuba. Pretty much every time you run your mouth or do something stupid to another country, I get the blame. I'm probably gonna get a beating from whatever you did today, too …"

Now Canada actually kept talking. I thought he was supposed to be a quiet country, but that day he just wouldn't shut up. But I didn't listen anymore. I was quite distracted. You see boys and girls, my boner still hadn't gone away yet. In fact, it'd be getting even worse. I thought it'd go away if I ignored it but boy was I wrong. Nope, it was still there. Still there, still very noticeable through that tiny hospital gown, totally being the elephant in the room. Ha ha, you see what I did there. Elephant in the room? Get it? Like it's huge? I'm so clever.

You'd think Canada would know to leave me be to take care of business. I mean dude, he's a dude, he knows how these things work. He could clearly see that it wasn't going away on its own and some right-hand action needed to be taken. But nooooo, he just had to keep whining about how I get him beat up by Cuba or something.

I never should have noticed his black eyes! That was my mistake. No, wait. It was his. For staring at me with them. But I guess I should have kept quiet. Step one should have been kick Canada out of the room. Step two, jerk it. Step three, invite him back in, play it cool, and ask where he got the black eyes. Yeah, that's what I should have done. Crap.

"Hey, shut up for a minute."

Canada looked annoyed. "That's rude, America. You don't just tell people to shut up! See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You need to be nicer!"

"Whatever, dude! Just leave me alone for a bit, OK?"

"What? No, I'm trying to have a conversation with you! Did you hear anything I said? About being kinder to other nations and not inciting international incidents? You were listening, right?"

It was really weird. Canada's bitching should have been a total boner-killer. But it was still there! Hard as ever! It didn't make sense. It was seriously bothering me. I had to take care of that thing. It wasn't optional!

"I want a promise from you," said Canada. "I want you to try be nicer. Please, if not for me, then for yourself."

Canada is so clueless! He knew my flag was at full mast yet he still kept talking! He seriously needed to GTFO. I could have choked him if it I wasn't concentrating so hard on choking the chicken.

"I said promise, America! Are you listening? Wipe that stupid look off your face and answer me!"

There's this thing. It's called blue balls. And it totally blows.

"Answer me, America!"

"I- I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Just hold it for a minute," he said, being totally clueless. "This is important. I don't like getting beat and I don't want you to either."

Urrggggh. That totally made me think of beating off. Though everything right then did. The pillow? Made me wanna jerk it. The doughnut on the tray Canada brought? Made me wanna jerk it. The ceiling fan? Made me wanna jerk. Look, don't ask. I was insanely horny.

"Please, America! I'm really worried about this!"

I felt so smushed up in that hospital gown. It was like it was squeezing me right in the crotch. And that sheet didn't help either. It was just more pressure. I didn't have a choice. My boner was getting worse (or better depending on the way you look at it, hehe) by the second.

So I tried to get up. I was gonna find me a bathroom for some sweet, sweet self loving. I could listen to Canada's bitching later once I finally rubbed one out. I started to lift myself up but the weirdest thing happened. It was like my muscles just couldn't do it. I felt weak and flopped down on the bed. What the heck! I'm America - greatest, strongest country in the world. I'm not weak. Trust me, dude. And I felt awesome. So why wasn't my body working for me?

Canada had looked mad but he immediately softened when he saw me collapse like that. I wish I had softened too if you get what I mean, ha ha! "Oh, I told you before. You've got to rest and heal," he said.

"But I feel great! No, better than great. I feel AWESOME!"

"That's only because I'm pumping a ton of pain medication into you."

"WHAT!"

"You should be thanking me! Otherwise you'd just be writhing in pain. I said you were really hurt." He sighed. "I don't think you realize how hurt you really are."

Canada totally worried too much. I couldn't have been too hurt. I mean, it was tiny crap countries that I got into it with. Even if it was three against one. I totally wasn't worried! Nope, not at all. Though I did freak out when I saw that I knocked out my IV when I tried to get up. I mean, don't think it was because those countries really did get the best of me. No way could that happen. I only flipped because I didn't want to mess up that magical free Canadian health care … or something. Whatever, you guys believe me.

"Waahh! The thingy came out!" I said. "Put it back in, put it back in!"

"Eh? Oh, the IV." Canada leaned over and grabbed the end of the line connected to a bag at my bedside. He slid the tip, which was a needle, back in my arm.

Now I totally expected it to hurt like a bitch and clenched my face all up in anticipation. Then I wondered why he hadn't stuck it in. Until I realized he did and I just didn't feel it.

"There you go," he said. "Good as new."

Er, right. Well, that solved my IV problem. Now back to my red, white, and blue balls … I mean seriously. My rockets were about to burst in air. Or bombs. However that line went. I don't remember. I was talking about my dick, how about that.

"You know, this reminds me …" started Canada.

Really, Canada. Really. You're still talking. And you're starting to tell a story. Freakin' great.

"You remember that time when we kids …"

Uhhhh, yes, Canada. I remember that time I was a kid. Shut the fuck up and let me spank this crazy monkey in my pants!

"You know, that time when I found you messing with the rabbits?"

Oh god.

"And then you got hurt and I fixed it up. And then we - w-well, you remember the rest, I'm sure," he said, still freakin' talking.

Oh, I remember, Canada. I totally remember. This just totally isn't the time to be reminded of it.

"Cool story, bro," I said very quickly. "You should - you should get back to … whatever it is you do. Play hockey, ride a moose, whatever." As long as it was out of this room, it was all good.

"This just reminds me of it, is all." Canada smiled at me. "You know what I mean?"

Did Canada know? Know what exactly he was saying? That story he was talking about wasn't as innocent as he made it sound.

Maybe he was making me sit there with a painfully hard boner just to piss me off. To get even for getting his ass kicked by every country that I annoy.

Naahh, who was I kidding? This was Canada. Overly polite pussy Canada who bitches about me not being nice enough to other countries. No way could he do that! Though he was aware of it. And he wasn't leaving. And he was bringing up the time that -

Hmmm. Perhaps I should explain. That was a long story. Not as long as this story, but still kinda long. Long enough that if I tell like it "long story short" and then shorten it, you will get the totally wrong idea. I would need to explain myself, you see. I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm a hero, after all. I need to protect my reputation.

It all started one day back before my Revolution. It was during the time in between England's visits. One time he left me when I was all tiny and weak and crap, and then next time he came I was all grown up. OK, I was a teenager, but I was taller than him, ha ha! It actually wasn't that long of a time though. I totally just grew really fast.

I was in a meadow full of rabbits. A ton of rabbits. I liked rabbits.

Then Canada came up to me. Not sure where he came from. Probably Canada. Anyway, he just sorta popped out and was like, "Hey, America. I'm bored … would you like to play together or something?"

"I can't," I said. "I'm too busy."

One of the rabbits in front of me had gotten on top of another one. Then it started moving itself like crazy.

"Busy doing what?" asked Canada.

I picked up the two rabbits and pulled them apart. I held one in each hand for a few seconds, then put them back on the ground facing opposite directions. You wouldn't believe me, but they'd be doing that all day! And not just those two. The whole meadow of rabbits was doing that same crazy thing!

"Pulling apart rabbits," I told him.

"What! I … I don't think you're supposed to do that."

I saw another pair of rabbits going at it. I picked them up, too. "Stop it!" I said to them as I pulled them apart. "Bad rabbits! No!"

"America, don't. I- I think it's natural for them to do that. You should just let them be."

"But I don't like it."

Just then a pretty crappy thing happened. One of the rabbits I was holding totally bit the hell out of me! Yep, just chomped on down on my hand! I dropped them both.

"Owwwww!" Looking back, that noise probably sounded pretty pussyish but whatever, it freakin' hurt! "Stupid thing bit me!"

"I told you not to mess with them!"

"Oh, God! It hurts so bad!" It was totally disgusting, guys. Blood was just pouring out of my hand. Like it was some gross horror movie. I tried to cover it with my other hand, but all that did was get blood all over it, too. Then something crazy happened. My eyes starting running. I don't know how or why, but water just started trickling out. Now I'm not saying I was crying! I mean, I'm a dude. Dudes don't cry, dude.

"Hold on," Canada said. He took out a knife and cut part of his coat. Yeah, Canada actually had a knife! This was back before he went all soft and anti-violent, you see. Ah, the good ol' days. He actually cut a pretty big piece off and grabbed my wrist. Then he starting wrapping it. Around and around. It's a good thing he cut so much off because it took a lot for it to finally stop bleeding through the layers. When the cloth ran out he tucked the last bit in and smiled at me. "Good as new."

Well, I was still bitten, duh. But it did feel a bit better. And I felt a lot better not having see all the blood.

I smiled at him. "Hey, that was really cool."

"It was?"

"Yeah! You could like make money off of that! You know, like charge people money to treat them for injuries and stuff."

"Eh? I wouldn't want to do that to people. I just did it to be nice."

"Hey, whatever. I think it's a good idea, but your loss!"

"Heh."

We stood there and watched the rabbits. They were still getting on top of each other and doing that weird movement. I made a face and Canada saw.

"Why do you pull them apart?" he asked.

"Because," I said as if it was obvious, because it totally was. "I like don't like it when they do that."

"But why?"

"I just don't."

Now don't get the wrong idea. I liked the rabbits. I really did. Freakin' loved those things. I was alone a lot growing up and a lot of times the rabbits were the only ones who kept me company. I just didn't like when they got on top of each like that. Oh, and I also didn't like it when they bit me. But that was actually the first time.

"But it's natural for them to do that." Two of them were doing it right in front of Canada and he totally just stood there. "You know, I think France told me a little about this …"

"Well, England didn't tell me anything about it."

I really wanted to pull those rabbits in front of Canada apart. It was seriously bothering me.

"I think it's supposed to feel good if you get on top of someone and move like that," said Canada.

"Hmmph. It doesn't look like it feels good. The one on the bottom probably gets squished." I was staring seriously hard at those rabbits. It was just pissing me off so much. "And sometimes it makes some really weird noises, like it's in pain and trying to get away. Which is saying a lot for rabbits because they don't even make that much noise!"

"Oh, you were thinking about the one on the bottom. I was talking about the one on top."

"So it only feels good for the one on top? That's totally not fair."

"I don't know. I mean, it's natural. I can't imagine it'd be bad for either of them."

"Them eating grass and getting ripped open by foxes is natural, too! Doesn't mean it's a good idea though!"

Canada was looking hard at the rabbits in front of him, too. They were still going at it. He seemed to be thinking pretty hard about something.

"What happens," he said, "if you don't pull them apart?"

"I don't know. I always pull them apart if I see them doing it!"

"Then I have an idea. Let's just watch these two and see what happens." He smiled at me, like a weak smile, almost like he was nervous. "It might be interesting."

"What! Are you stupid!" Canada didn't get to answer. I totally didn't give him the chance. Because I already knew the answer, duh. "No way am I doing that!"

I went over to those two stupid rabbits and tried to pick them up. I didn't even care if I got bit again - or maybe I just forgot about the possibility. Probably the second one, but whatever. But my incredible bravery was ruined by Canada, who got in the way. On purpose! Not cool, dude.

"No, don't!" he said, holding his arms out.

"Move it! I'm ripping them apart!"

Canada was such a cockblock. No, wait. I was trying to cockblock. And he was cockblocking my cockblock. That's a double cockblock. That's a lot of cockblock. Do two cockblocks might a right? Or do two cockblocks just cancel each other out? Ah, the mysteries of cockblocking. Some day I'll discover your secrets!

I went for those rabbits, but Canada pushed himself in the way. Suddenly I was shoving him and he was shoving back. Shoving turned into wrestling. But not like the badass kind of wrestling with masks and throwing chairs. No, because Canada was being a little bitch and making stupid noises and going "Stop! Stop!"

This was because I was totally stronger than him. We didn't wrestle too long before I pinned him to the ground. It scared the rabbits and some of them ran away, including the two I wanted to pull apart. So that meant I totally won, despite what happened next, OK?

Well, I did have him pinned. I was sitting on top of him, and had his arms held down with mine. He was staring back at me, looking a little irritated. Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, "This isn't right."

"I'm always right, ha ha! You should just get used to - WAAHHH!"

I still don't know how he did it. I mean, I'm a stronger country than him. Way stronger. I mean, he's never even been in a real war! Has he? I mean, does he even have an army? I can't imagine a Canadian army. They probably ride moose and fight with hockey sticks.

But even back then I was stronger than him. Even before we were official countries. So it totally caught me off guard when Canada suddenly rolled us over and somehow became the one on top. I don't understand how it happened. Really! I must have been distracted. By my awesomeness … or something. Look, don't think about it too much. I mean, I don't. I'm not. Nope. Still not.

I was pissed at first, but Canada sitting on top of me felt weird. Its weirdness made me forget about being mad. What was also weird was that he wasn't pressing that hard on me. I mean, when I sat on him, I let all my weight crush on him. But he seemed to be supporting most of his when he was on top of me. It didn't make sense. We were fighting. He should have wanted to hurt me.

"I'm sorry, America."

I stared back hard. "Shut up! Don't say you're sorry to me! You haven't won yet!"

He still didn't press his weight on me. "I'm bigger than you."

"Hmmph! Barely!"

So Canada is the second biggest country in the world. Whatever. Size isn't everything. Wait. What did I just say?

"I don't want to fight with you."

"Fine! Then say I won!"

I could have pushed him off if I wanted. I could have flipped us back over to the way it was. I could have held him down until he surrendered. I could have done a lot of things.

"Um. OK. You won."

"Wha …!"

What was wrong with Canada? You don't just surrender when you're winning, dude! Er, not that I was losing. I was just in a tight spot. No, wait …

"I wasn't really fighting with you," he said. "You tackled me."

"So! That means we're fighting!"

"I just flipped us because I wanted to see what it felt like."

"What what felt like?"

"Getting on top of someone."

Oh, crap. We did kinda look like the rabbits did. Those bad rabbits that irritated me! Some of them were still around us. Eating grass and getting busy.

"It feels weird."

"It does," I agreed, somehow forgetting that I was fighting with him.

"But not in a bad way."

"I guess not."

Canada just sat there. Well, it was more of a straddling type pose, since he wasn't letting all his weight on me. He seemed to be thinking. He sure does think a lot.

"It's not really good either," I said.

"I think you have to do the moving part if you want it to feel good. That's what France said." He looked away at the rabbits for a minute, then looked back. "Do you want to try it?"

I'd let my eyes wander over to the rabbits as well. I actually did some thinking then, too. Canada's not the only one who does it! I do every now and then when I feel like it.

"I don't think it'll feel good. But whatever!"

"So no? You don't?"

I felt the little weight on me start to disappear. He was starting to get off me. I should have let him so I wasn't tackled to the ground anymore. But, you know. I didn't.

"I didn't say no!"

He stopped. "Eh?"

"I don't believe France that it feels good. But you can try it if you want."

He looked all confused. "Are you sure?"

"I said yes, duh!"

I was just teeming with curiosity. Yeah, curiosity. Nothing else!

"Well, OK. If you're all right with it. Hmmm." He thought for a second. He placed his arms on both sides of me and slid a little forward. "Is this right?"

"Looks close enough to me."

"I think you're supposed to flip over on your stomach."

"No."

He looked concerned. "Huh? Why not? That's how the rabbits do it."

"I'm not a rabbit, duh!" I made a little irritated huff noise. "I want to see what you're doing!"

"Um. OK. I guess that's all right." Canada took a deep breath. Then he let his weight go to his arms.

He moved his hips forward toward mine. I clenched a little, because he did it kinda fast. But then that's how the rabbits did it, so I figured it was right. Canada pulled himself back, then repeated, pushing his waist into mine. He continued, getting faster at it, like the rabbits.

I made a grunting noise. "This doesn't feel good."

"Ummm."

That's all he said. "What? It doesn't feel good to you, does it?"

"I- I don't know. The moving part doesn't feel good, no. But …"

He'd stopped moving. I noticed he was getting all pink around his cheeks. I thought that was weird.

"But what!"

Canada rubbed his hand between his legs. He made a weird face when he did that. I looked and saw it was bigger down there than I remembered. He rubbed his hand over it some more and squeezed his eyes.

"What?" I asked, a little frantic. "What? What's going on?"

"I … I don't know. It just feels really good to touch it."

I was very confused. I looked between my own legs and it didn't look like that. I even put my hand over it and tried rubbing like Canada was, but it still didn't do anything.

"Mine's not working!"

"Mine started feeling funny and growing when I was moving over you," said Canada. "It's different than normal."

I was getting totally irritated. Why was Canada getting to have all the fun? We were both part of this, after all. It should feel good for both of us.

"I … I …" Canada was breathing all funny. "I think I need to take it out."

"Of what? Your pants?" He nodded to me. "What! That's weird though!"

"That rabbits don't do it with any clothes." He started to undo his button. I got really tense. I mean, I didn't know what to do. I was totally confused.

He slid off his pants and underwear. Now I wanted to look somewhere else of course, but he was right in front of me. It was hard not to look. It was hard not to stare. It was hard not to gape in awe.

I'd never seen a penis look like that! Actually I'd never seen a penis at all. Except my own, of course. It'd be pretty weird if I never saw my own, you know? But I never saw mine look like that.

It was hard and sticking all out. And it was big! I'd never seen mine get all big like that. I mean, that was true at the time. It's not true now. Don't think I'm not packing, you guys. I totally got it going on. But anyway.

Canada wrapped his hand around his penis and started to stroke himself. His face looked so weird when he did that. It made me wonder what it felt like. I got totally super jealous.

So I undid my own pants and slid them down to my knees. I'd show that Canada! I could make mine like that, too. I could make it feel good.

But I didn't know what to do. My right hand was all bandaged up. It wouldn't feel good to use that one, for either my hand or my penis. And I didn't think I could do that motion very good with my left hand. I was thinking about trying, but then I realized that Canada was looking at me again. Actually, he was staring at my dick.

"Why isn't yours like mine?" he asked.

"I dunno," I said, getting a little red in the face. "Don't look at it!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's not as big as yours."

"Yours is about the same as mine normally. Right now it's - it's different."

"Why isn't mine like that!"

"Hmmm. Mine got like that when I started moving over you. Maybe I need to do it some more?"

"Then do it!"

Canada pulled himself really close to me. Like he grabbed me by the waist and pulled it up against his own. I made a funny noise. Then he looked at me, all confused, like he wondered if he hurt me. I nodded for him to continue. He didn't hurt me. I was just all shocked because I felt his penis touch me when he did that.

He started that weird movement again. Back and forth thrusting. His cock slid between my thighs, which felt really weird. I know I've said a lot of stuff felt weird, but this was the weirdest of all. Really. I got all tense, and apparently it felt even weirder to Canada when I did that, because his face changed.

"K-keep doing that!"

"Doing what?" I asked.

"Squeeze your legs … around my … ahh …"

I'd done it while he was talking. Apparently he really liked it. I could see it in the way his face looked. This wasn't dry humping anymore. It was skin on skin. It felt different. He was really going at it, like those rabbits. We were both sweating on each other and breathing really fast.

I didn't understand why it felt so good to Canada though. He was sliding his cock between my thighs, rubbing it really hard and fast. To me, it just felt weird. Not bad. But not good either.

"Keep squeezing … please …" Canada begged.

I pushed my legs together, sandwiching his dick even tighter. It was so warm and sweaty. All that sweat was a good thing though, because I was squeezing so tight he probably couldn't slide in and out without it.

I sat up a little. I wanted to watch. After all, I'd never done anything like this with my body before. I was curious. So I watched intently. I watched Canada thrust. I watched the way he pulled his dick almost all the way from between my legs but then stop and push back in. I watched my leg muscles, which were tight from squeezing so hard. I watched once when Canada accidentally slipped all the way out and had to take his hand and guide himself back in. I saw a little bit of white fluid dribbling at the end of his cock when he did that.

"Canada, what's that stuff?" I asked.

"I … I dunno …" He said that like it was really hard to talk.

I kept watching. Then something crazy happened. As if all this wasn't crazy enough, I mean. My own cock was starting to look like Canada's. All big and hard. I got excited, because I knew I could do it after all! I happily started to touch it, which turned into rubbing. It got even bigger when I did that.

And the feeling! It was like super sensitive. And good. Was this the feeling France was talking about? Not bad!

I tried to stroke it like Canada had, but it wasn't working so well. I could only use my left hand and I'm right handed. My arm muscles got sore and tired really fast. And I just couldn't get a good rhythm like Canada had. I had a dilemma.

As I was thinking about what to do about it, Canada starting leaning all close to me. Like extra close. We were already pretty close, obviously. He was almost laying on my chest and breathing really hard.

"Wh- what are you doing?" I asked. I had to lean back a little.

I could feel his body getting all stiff. He made a little noise, like he was having breathing problems. I saw his arms shake a little.

"Hey …" I said, getting a little irritated. "Stop pressing so hard on me … you're gonna squish me …"

" A-ahh, MAPLE!"

Dude. I had never heard him say "maple" like the way he said it then. He basically yelled it. Which is rare for Canada. He never yells. But there was something else about it that made it totally weird. I can't describe it.

I was still watching, and saw that when he said that, white fluid gushed out from him. It coated the inside of my thighs.

"EEEW!"

That was me who said that, as if it wasn't obvious. I spread my legs to see the sticky stuff Canada had squirted. It covered both my thighs. And even though I pulled them apart, the stuff still was still connected from leg to leg, almost like a spider web. A web of cum.

I tried to wipe it off, only to realize that I just succeeded in getting semen all over my bandage. Not a smart move, looking back.

Canada hadn't moved, except for taking deep breaths. He was hanging over me, just inches from completely laying on me. It was like he was in a trance or something.

"Canada! Canada! What the heck just happened! You got stuff all over me!"

His eyelids were half closed. But his mouth was open wide, still panting hard.

"Um, Earth to Canada! Hello!" I grabbed his hair curl and pulled. "Don't ignore me! Listen to me!"

"Huh? Oh." He was still all shaky. "S-sorry. I … I don't know what just happened."

"You sprayed me with this white stuff!"

"America …" He had this little smile on his face. "F-france was right. Really right."

"Huh?"

"It felt so good. When that stuff came out of me - oh, God. It was amazing."

I looked down to my own penis and made an irritated face. "How come you got to feel it and not me? That's not fair!"

"Maybe … maybe you can. I was just first."

"No, this is just like what I thought! It only feels good for the person on top!"

"Don't get upset, America … please …"

"I knew I was right!"

Then I noticed that Canada was staring at me again. At my penis. Again. Yeah. "It can feel good if you rub it up and down. Like stroke it."

"I can't! I hurt my hand, remember?"

"Use your other hand."

I reach down and tried. I really did! It wasn't working so well. I didn't even know how to do it with my right hand, so how was I supposed to do it with my left? I could do it today, just not as good. I just thought I'd throw that out there in case it sounded like I didn't know how to jerk it. Because I totally do. I'm an expert! I've gotten lots of practice! In fact, I do it all the time! Wait. Don't think I'm some lonely loser who jerks it all the time either. Crap.

Canada watched me and made a face. "No, don't do it like that."

"Well, look, this is the best I can do! I'm not left handed!"

"Here. I'll show you."

Canada reached down and put his hand right on my cock. Yeah, really! I was just as shocked as you. No, even more. Because you probably saw it coming, you sick pervert.

Canada moved his hand up and down. Quick, swift motions. I guess he was a natural or something. A natural cock beater. Because it felt so totally awesome.

"How's that?" he asked.

"Nghh …."

I guess that wasn't much of an answer.

"Eh? You like it?"

"Y-yes …"

I noticed that when he moved up and down, that it felt especially good at a certain place. "Touch the tip," I said, breathing all crazy.

He gave a little nod. Then he took his thumb and starting rubbing on the tip like I said. I shuddered. It sent like a shiver through my whole body. A little bit of that white stuff started trickling out the tiny hole when he did. But he kept rubbing, using the stuff to make it more slippery to move his thumb and fingers.

I didn't last long and came just after a couple more seconds. I felt it coming but it still totally took me by surprise. It poured out all over his hand. It was like gushing pure pleasure. I'd never felt something like that. Each squirt was bliss. I thought being rubbed was the good feeling France and Canada were talking about, but it was nothing compared to that.

Then it was over. I felt the rush hang for a couple seconds, then it disappeared.

And then I just felt tired.

Now don't think, awesome readers, that I sat in the hospital bed and thought about that whole story sentence by sentence. I just recounted that for you. I'm so nice, huh? I only thought about it briefly. Only seconds had passed. Where Canada was still beside me, waiting for me to answer his dumb question. Still sticking around when clearly I had a pressing matter to attend to. The boner pressing into my clothes, I mean.

"Yeah," I finally said. "I guess it's similar."

I meant the story and the current situation, in case you forgot the question. It'd be easy to since that story was long as hell. See now why I couldn't just shorten it? It'd ruin it. Plus if I just said "Canada rubbed himself against me and came and then beat me off" it doesn't show that I only did because - well, look, I don't have to explain myself. You read the story.

"I learned later that was called intercrural sex," said Canada. "Kinda interesting, huh?"

Uh, no, not really, Canada. That is totally not a sexy name at all.

"It's weird." Yeah, he was still talking. "Apparently a lot of people do it, but no one ever talks about it."

Except you, dude.

"But France told me what it was."

"You told France!" I was super shocked. "Are you crazy! That was like a secret. We weren't supposed to be doing stuff like that. We were kids, dude!"

"We were just experimenting! It's completely natural."

"No, I think you cross the line of experimenting if you come. That's the line. A line of come." I probably should have just stopped talking.

"Ah, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll just leave you to rest, OK?" He smiled and patted me on the head.

Then the craziest thing happened. I know I've said a lot of crazy stuff has happened, but this is totally the craziest. Seriously dude. You never would have expected it. Because as soon as Canada touched my head, I spontaneously came. Yep, you read right. I jizzed in my pants.

Well, it was a hospital gown. Whatever. The point was that I sploodged, and I think I got that point across.

I don't know why it happened! It just did. These things are involuntary, you know. So you can't blame me. I totally didn't mean for it to happen. My plan was to get Canada to leave and jerk it, remember? You guys remember. And as soon as Canada was finally gonna scram, it just happened. What crap timing! It was totally a coincidence. Had to be. You guys believe me, right?

Now you'd think Canada would be all like WTF DUDE. I mean, I would. I'd totally say that to him if it was his spunk on the bed. But it was mine so never mind. No, he just stared for a few seconds and said, "Heh. Well, at least we know that part of you still works, eh? No injuries there."

I don't know if that was supposed to be a joke or what, but I totally wasn't laughing. "This is all your fault!" I said, being totally right. "You knew I had morning - um, evening - wood and you stuck around anyway!"

"Don't get mad, America. We can just forget it happened if you want. Here, I'll change the sheets."

Then Canada did something really stupid. He actually started changing the sheets.

So obviously when he lifted them up he could see underneath! And he didn't even try to be sly about it. He just stared right at me!

"Oh, you're still hard."

He said it so casually! I couldn't believe it. I liked him better when he was all nervous. When did he suddenly grew a pair?

He saw the look on my face and the nervousness came back a little. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I think that can be normal sometimes. I think it's just a sign of immaturity."

"Hey! Don't call me immature!"

When the heck did Canada become a penis expert? Suddenly he's throwing around the technical terms for random sexual acts and telling me my penis is immature! That's not how I picture Canada. I guess France really did rub off on him. But uh … hopefully not like how Canada rubbed off on me in that meadow with the rabbits.

"I'm sorry!" said Canada. "That came out wrong! But I'm sure you know what I mean."

"WHAT!"

"Oh! I meant because you run your mouth all the time - not 'came out' like actually coming … oh, maple did that sound wrong."

"Look! I'm not immature, OK? It's still like that because - because it wasn't that great of an orgasm. That's all, dude."

"Eh? Not a great orgasm? Is that even possible?"

"Yeah, totally. It was like ruined."

I almost said I wasn't satisfied but I didn't. See I think before I talk! Sometimes! When I remember. And feel like it.

"Right." He finished gathering the top sheets. "Let me just get the bottom sheet and I'll leave you to rest for a while." He was at the end of the bed and started pull it up. He rolled the sheet up until I was in the way. "Can you sit up for a second?"

By that he meant lift my ass up so that he could pull the sheet from underneath me. It was just a polite way to say it.

He kept pulling and was then to the front of the bed, trying to get it off where it was tucked underneath. He was really close to my head.

So then it was my turn to do something crazy. Normally I'm totally shocked when crazy stuff happens but this time I wasn't because I was the one who did it, duh! I reached up and grabbed him by the hair curl. Then I used it to pull his face to mine. Like, right into mine. It was supposed to be like a kiss but I guess it was kinda sloppy since our faces sorta smushed into each other's at first.

But then I totally knew what I was doing. I pressed my lips up against his. I pushed my tongue inside his mouth, licking around and tasting him. It was totally hot, dude.

He tried to pull back, but I had tight him by the hair curl, and he wasn't going anywhere. I kept moving my tongue around, bumping it into his. I sucked pretty hard at his mouth. I was so totally into it that I forgot to breathe. I had to pull back to catch my breath.

Canada panted, too. "Wha … what was that?"

"Um. Being nice to another country?"

Good save, huh? I'm so smooth.

Wait. Crap. I forgot you weren't in on that part. Disregard that. I totally only did it to be nice to another country. Yeah.

"Eh?" He looked all shocked.

"That's what you wanted, right? Me to be nice to other countries? I mean, you wouldn't shut up about it earlier!"

"Well, yeah, but …" He didn't finish his sentence. He just looked away.

"But what, dude!"

"But I didn't say make out with them." He looked like he was thinking. Like really hard. I kept watching him and then he had this little smile. "Though … I guess it is a nice thing. And I am another country." I liked Canada's little smile. It was almost kinda cute. "I guess it's good practice."

"What do you mean?"

"Pretend I'm someone else and be nice. Pretend I'm Germany or France or whoever and practice being nice. So that you don't get in any more trouble."

"Hmmm, nah. I wanna do this with you."

I gave that hair a good yank. It made him fall because I pulled him right on top of me and onto the bed.

Canada was totally shocked. "What'd you do that for!"

"Do what?"

"Pull me on top of you!"

"That's where you belong, isn't it? Your country is always right on top of mine."

He sat up, but stayed situated over me. He was doing that thing where he didn't let too much of his weight push on me, just like when we were kids.

"That's just geography," he said.

"It's natural."

Boy, did he look totally surprised when I said that! Somebody got de ja vu. By the way, I refuse to use those stupid French accents and crap for that word. This is America. In America we don't like accents!

"So then you're saying," he said, looking down at me hard, "if it's natural, it's OK? By that logic, what we did in the meadow when we younger was OK, too. It was natural for the rabbits."

"Heh."

"You didn't say that before." He looked at the floor. "You know, I thought a lot about that day. Because what you said had some truth to it. About the one on the bottom not always feeling good. It's true sometimes. I felt really bad that I seemed to enjoy it a lot more than you."

Ah, there was the over polite Canada I knew! He's even over polite for sex.

"But then I talked to France about it …"

I made a face, but Canada apparently didn't see because he kept talking.

"He was the one who told me about the one on the bottom not always enjoying it, you see. Then he told me there's so many things you can do and try that feel good. For both people."

"God, shut up already! I don't wanna hear about France!" I was super pissed, you guys. "It's France this and France that! Boy, he sure taught you everything, didn't he!"

"Um - no." He was looking at me again, but kinda nervously. "Not everything."

"Hmmph."

"Now don't get pouty! Because we … we never did anything. He just told me stuff."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I learned a lot more from you that one day in the field than he could ever tell me."

Aw, dude. That was so cheesy! It was like total cheddar central up in there. I had to kill that mood. So that we could get a different mood going on. You know what I mean. A sexy one. Sorry, I just didn't feel like implying that time.

I grabbed him by the hips and pulled them to mine. He let me do it but gave me a weird look.

"We- we're really gonna do this again?" he asked.

"No," I said. "Don't do that thigh thing again. That's kid stuff."

He blushed. Like really hard. "Then … uh … what d-do you want me to do?"

Ooh, dude. What a perfect question.

It was so cute how Canada was still all polite. Even though he was straddled over me in bed with me looking so vulnerable. I said looking, by the way. I never really am, of course. But I've already mentioned my awesome strength, so no need to repeat myself again. Nah, never mind. I like repeating it. I'm totally strong, guys.

"I want you to fuck me."

I'm blunt, you guys. That's how I roll.

But it was shocking to Canada. "Um - uh - I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean, you're still hurt. I think it'd be a bit much for you."

Crap. I'd forgotten about that. I mean, those pain killers were just so good. I really mean it. They were awesome. Remind me to get some of them in a to-go bag when I leave. I mean, they're free in Canada, right?

"Just give me more pain killers. It'll be OK."

"It doesn't work that way!"

"Come on, dude. You're sitting on top of me." I gave him a look. "You can't just tease me like this."

"You're the one who pulled me on you!" Oh, silly Canada. Those are minor details when my erect cock is brushing up against you! "Though … I guess I could do something …"

Ooh, a surprise. I like surprises.

Canada pushed up the hospital gown. Then he pulled down my underwear. Yeah, I wear tighty-whiteys. What of it! They're totally cool, dude.

He took my cock out and held in his hand. "It's bigger than the last time I saw it, eh?"

I was a little too distracted to answer. Because, you know. His hand was totally on my dick. It was a sensation that demanded my attention. After all, I'd had a boner since I was asleep. It was about time, dude.

"Umff …"

Uh. Disregard that weird noise I made.

Canada leaned down and slowly put it in his mouth. He was all unsure about it. But that didn't make it any less warm or wet.

He didn't take that much in. Like two inches, I guess. Then he moved his tongue on the bottom of it. Just a couple licks. Then he had to open his mouth a bit to breathe. I felt his hot breath on the tip of my length as he breathed over me. Then he closed his lips around again, and moved back and forth at an uneven rhythm.

Now don't get me wrong, dude. It totally felt good and all. But Canada clearly didn't know what he was doing. I don't think there's such a thing as a bad blowjob, but this wasn't the best. It was kinda awkward, really.

"Uhhhhh … stop," I said.

"Mmmm?" He still had my dick in his mouth. "'ut's wrong?"

"Have you ever done this before?"

He pulled back and wiped his mouth. I could see him blushing again. "Heh - no. It was that obvious, eh?"

"It's OK. You can make it up to me by taking your pants off."

He blushed even harder. He was so red! "I … I haven't really done anything like this since … um …"

"The meadow? Dude, no way! That was like three hundred years ago!"

He sighed and looked away again. "I just spend most of my time alone, you know. Nobody hardly knows I exist."

"What! I do! Because you're my hat, dude."

He faced me again, but looked a little annoyed. "Why do you keep saying that? I still don't even get what that means."

"Because you're on top of me."

"That's it? That's the only reason I'm your hat?"

"Duh! What other reason could there be!"

"I'm geologically on top of you, so that makes me your hat. Heh." Oh, it was more than geologically right then, Canada. "If that's true, then what the heck is Alaska?"

I totally almost said a reacharound. Totally almost.

"Uh … don't think about it too much," I said.

I was seriously having problems thinking myself. Because, you know, I was super horny. Canada sure liked to talk. About serious stuff, too. I don't like drama when my cock is throbbing! He was taking too long to get to the good stuff. Talking is not foreplay. At this rate I'd spontaneously come again before he even took his pants off. Uh, not that that happens a lot.

"Dude, whip it out already!"

Canada looked all surprised. He made a little gasping type noise. I was getting impatient, so I gave him a little push up so that I could flip. I turned over onto my stomach and flopped back down.

I accidentally knocked my IV thingy out again when I did that. I was about to freak, but then I heard this noise that distracted me. It was a zipping noise. Not a quick zip, but a slow, unsure one. But it didn't matter, because I totally knew what it meant. Canada was finally gonna get them pants off.

I was facing the other way so I didn't really see what he was doing. I could hear clothes rustling.

Then it got quiet. "Oh, your IV," he said after a few seconds.

"Fuck it, dude. I don't care."

"But your injuries -"

"I said it's OK!" I turned my head back. I was just gonna give him a quick glare. You know, a look to tell him to stop being a pussy and get on with it. But then I forgot, because he really did take off his pants. And boy did I get an eyeful!

Of cock. In case that wasn't obvious.

He was pretty hard, too. But what do you expect? I'm totally hot. I'm sure people pop boners all the time when they see me, you know?

I stared for longer than I probably should have. But whatever. I like to watch. I don't think Canada liked me looking at him so hard though. He had more shame than when we younger. He probably wanted to be like "take a picture, it'll last longer!" but he didn't say it. Ha ha, remember that saying? We should bring that back, dude.

Um, not that I was thinking about how I wanted to take a picture of Canada's junk. Totally not.

I turned back around and looked at the wall. I kept my front laying on the bed but raised my hips by my knees. It totally didn't feel good to smush my cock against the bed when it was so hard like that.

Suddenly I felt something really cold. In my ass. I shivered and looked back. "Dude, what is that!"

"Lube."

"Dude! Where did you get lube so fast?"

He looked confused. "This is a hospital. It's a medical supply."

Lube is a medical supply? Dude, I should hang around hospitals even more often. Apparently I've been missing out on some fun stuff!

He had it on his finger. He stuck one of them in just a little bit. Maybe an inch, if that. He was so nervous. I could feel him trembling.

I grew impatient and pushed backward toward him. This made his finger slide completely in. We both made funny noises when that happened. But different funny noises.

"Why are you nervous?" I asked.

"I … I just don't really know what I'm doing."

"You didn't know what you were doing when we younger either, and you weren't really nervous."

"Yeah, but … but there was no expectation then either. Now that I'm older I know what's supposed to happen."

"Dude, it doesn't matter. Forget everything France told you."

That seemed to confuse him. I guess I stumped him because he didn't say anything. He just looked all me, all confused. But with his finger still in my ass.

"Move your finger," I said.

"Oh! Right!" He listened to me and tried his best to wiggle it around. I started to rock, showing him to push and pull it out. He caught on fast and started finger fucking me pretty hard.

"Mmmmph. Add another finger."

I felt him push another one into me. It was cold and wet, too. He did it so carefully. His pace went back to slow.

"Go deeper."

Canada seemed to be afraid of doing that. His movements were too shallow. I wanted to feel it deep inside. But he didn't listen to me this time. Instead he just moved his hand faster. Um, that's not what I said. So I started rocking again, bucking with him.

It was a strain on my neck, but I looked back. I wanted to watch. I wanted to see his fingers actually going into me. I watched it for a minute, then I saw his cock again, dripping precum. Like, a lot. He clearly was barely holding on. I didn't know how he could stand it. I would have demanded to do something with it by then if I was him. But he was quiet about it, and just kept tending to me.

I breathed hard a couple times before I could say, "You can put it in now."

His fingers stopped, halfway in. "Oh. Uh. I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why … not?"

"I- I think I'm straining you enough as it is. I don't want you to pass out or something."

I was in a little pain from my injuries but ignored it. I'm totally strong like that. "You gotta do something, dude!"

He appeared to be thinking about it. Then he slid his fingers out of me and wrapped them around his penis. I saw his hand was still shaking a little. He brought his cock behind me and put it near my entrance. He let the tip touch, brushing up against it. Then he just had it hang there. He didn't put it in.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said.

He started to stroke himself. He pumped his hand over his dick as he let it sit against my entrance.

Canada was normally so quiet, but he made some strange sounds then. I looked back again to watch as I listened. I couldn't believe he really wasn't gonna put it in. What a cocktease!

I was starting to get a little pissed. I mean, he was totally the one getting the better deal in this situation. Again. I was about to bitch about it, but then I felt him do something weird. He leaned over and started to kiss my neck. At first I was just like WTF, but believe it or not, it felt good. It made me shudder. Like my whole body. He nibbled at it a little bit, which was weird, but I didn't mind.

He was still furiously stroking himself behind me. There was more precum, I could feel it. I could feel the wetness seep into my hole a little bit. But nothing else.

Canada stopped kissing my neck and concentrated on beating himself. I got a little mad, since once again he was the only one really having any fun. I guess he noticed because then I felt his other hand reach around and grab my neglected cock. He started stroking me, at the exact same rhythm as himself.

How the heck did Canada do both hands at the same time so well! It isn't easy being dickly ambidextrous. Trust me. I know first hand. (Get it? First hand? Ha ha!)

But I wasn't about to complain. It just felt too good. I guess being mostly alone for three hundred years has its advantages. In that you get pretty good at jerking it. Um, I was talking about Canada then, of course.

I stopped watching. Instead I closed my eyes and enjoyed that Alaskan goodness. Wait, did we really decide that Alaska was a reacharound? Oh, well. Who cares. I was getting hand job, I didn't really give a crap.

It felt awesome. I started shaking a little, too. But not because I was a wimp like Canada. It was just so much all at once - the sensations, the raw pleasure, nerve endings going crazy. My arms went limp and I was laying flat except for my ass. And my breathing was so hard that I actually felt chest pains. Hopefully that didn't have anything to do with my injuries.

I couldn't take it anymore. Canada was just too good at it. Definitely a lot better than his blowjob. I clenched my arms and pushed myself back really hard. It forced Canada to slide inside.

We both made weird noises at the same time again.

He was only a couple inches in, so I had to scoot my knees to push the rest of the way. I was already warmed up and horny. I wanted it deep. Deep enough to hit my prostate. I wanted him to hit it like crazy. My movements pushed every inch in, leaving no room for Canada's hand.

"Uhhhh …." He sounded confused.

"Come on! Fuck me," I said.

"A-are you sure?"

Dude. I just backed myself over your cock. I think I'm a little more than sure.

"Yeah, dude! Do it!"

"It's not hurting you?"

"I said do it!"

I felt him slide out, then slowly push it back in. So carefully and daintily. Like I was fragile. Like he'd break me if he did it fast. I thought he'd pick up the pace, but no, he just kept doing it all slow like that. So I started bucking with him, pushing him to go faster. He started to catch on and thrust faster.

Then in the middle of this, he just stopped. He was pounding the fuck out of me, but then froze. He slid his dick out and panted.

"Dude, what the fuck!" I said. "Put it back in!"

"H-hold on. Give me a minute."

I was breathing harder than him, so it couldn't have been just to catch his breath. It didn't make sense.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I was gonna come," he said. "But I didn't want to do it before you got there."

Oh. Dude. Just … oh.

"I- I think I'm good now. Shall we continue?"

I said yes, even though you should never, ever say the word "shall" during sex. It's just not a sexy word, dude.

He pushed himself back in and resumed his pace. I groaned and closed my eyes. He was getting braver. He was faster, and he'd stopped trembling. What had started as an uneven rhythm became steady. It became fast and hard, to the point that my entire body was rocking in a swift motion.

My face was down in the pillow. I said "deeper" but it was so muffled by the pillow that he couldn't understand.

"What?" he panted.

I lifted my head. "Go deeper."

"Uh - OK."

He listened immediately. The next push was as far as he could go, his entire length. I tensed up and buried my face back into the pillow. He kept thrusting this deep, and penetrating me so hard. I didn't take long for him to hit that spot.

It was obvious when this happened. Not only did all my muscles clench, but I made a weird noise. Like, a super weird noise. A LOUD super weird noise. It startled Canada, but he understood, and aimed for that spot.

"Aaaauuuugggghhhh …" I moaned. "Fuck …!" I had to bite into my pillow to keep from crying out more. I still groaned into it, letting the pillow muffle all my weird noises. It was just such an intense feeling. I pawed at the sheets and mattress, digging my fingers in, holding on tight.

Getting my prostate struck repeatedly and Canada's hand movements were enough to push me over the edge. I cried out into my pillow again as I came really hard and suddenly. It was so much more powerful than the first one had been. This one was pure ecstasy. Pleasure shot like electricity through me as I gushed into Canada's hand.

Cum was still dribbling out of me when Canada suddenly stiffened and cried out, too. He came right after me. He spilled into my asshole, though a little dripped out. I think he had just been holding on and waiting for me.

We both collapsed at the same time. We panted, trying to catch our breath. Canada actually did let his weight rest on me then, but I was so out of it that I didn't really mind. I was so drained.

Plus it kinda felt nice to still have him on top of me. It just felt right when he was. It was natural, after all. Geographical and all that. Because he's my hat.

Though I guess he wasn't really on my head then. He was on practically my whole body. So maybe he wasn't just my hat. I guess he was like … um … what covers your body? Oh, yeah! A Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves. Totally my best invention in a while.

"Uhhh …. hehhhh ….." Canada panted. He was having a hard time catching his breath.

"So," I started, "I guess that was good practice for being nicer to other countries?"

"Huh?"

"You were bitching that I'm not nice enough to other countries. I don't think it gets much nicer than letting someone go to poundtown with you."

"Oh, uh, yeah! We were doing practicing nice thing, weren't we?"

"It's OK. I forgot, too."

Actually, I didn't. I just didn't care. It was just my flimsy excuse to get Canada to bang me. He should know by now that I just do whatever I want to other countries. It's how I wind up in the hospital so much in the first place. I say and do whatever pleases me without much thinking. It's how I roll.

"I don't recommend you doing that with other countries though," said Canada. "I don't think they'd appreciate it much! Um, except maybe France. You know how he is."

"Ha ha! Silly Canada!" I struck an awesome pose and gave a thumbs up. "I know from personal experience that England doesn't mind at all!"

"… what?"

(The end.)


End file.
